Day 76: Memory and Education SF

These past few days have been extremely busy for me as I am working long days doing renovations for my partners parents so that is why I haven’t written in a few days. Though the workload has now slimmed down to a manageable workday and will be able to continue my blogs.

Since I started with my last blog on shyness I’m starting to investigate where the fears I utilize shyness to protect myself from originated. The following self forgiveness is one of the main fear memories I experience in relation to shyness and self confidence, starting with my education:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as less than who I am through defining my self worth and self value according to a memory of when I was in grade school, where I had said something and an adult had responded with the words “what the fuck do they teach you in school?”, where I had experienced within my physical body a shock to my system as I saw the anger that was expressed within the tonality and pitch of their voice- and took the whole moment personally in believing and perceiving that this persons expression was being exerted towards me personally and that I am wholly responsible for the behaviour of this person due to me not ‘knowing the facts’ of how things operate instead of realizing that what had been said to me was not directed at me personally- but the anger that had been expressed by this person was created by themselves and lashed out towards me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been diminished by the words and expression of this person instead of standing up within myself in realizing that I had merely triggered the anger that another had been accumulating and creating within themselves and had nothing to do with their anger and thus I stand up within myself in not accepting or allowing myself to be diminished by another’s words in living and applying self honesty in reflecting what this person is accepting and allowing within themselves through breathing and not taking their words personally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confirm and validate what the other had said to me in regards of my education within the system through taking it personally in believing that I am wholly responsible for the words and behaviour that is expressed towards me, and through reacting to this persons expression in believing that what is coming up within me as emotional experiences as real and valid, accept what had been said towards me through equal and one acceptance and allowance of reaction within the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself into the adult as the authority figure instead of questioning this persons behaviour and also my own behaviour in reaction to what had been said to not accept or allow myself to follow, believe and define myself according to this experience as I realize that who I am is not defined by past memory moments of experiences and emotions that motivate me into specific directions within my future and instead I commit myself to apply self trust within myself that whenever another being expresses emotional frustration towards me I trust me to breathe, to not take it personally, and to show the other what they are accepting and allowing within themselves through being a mirror / blank slate within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this whole moment / experience within me in never looking at or investigating it in self honesty, writing and self forgiveness and corrective application, but instead suppress the experience of inferiority within me, where the experience of inferiority takes on an emotion of anger- and in this suppression of anger not see realize or understand that who I am creating myself to be is of the same exact nature that had been expressed to me through acceptance and allowance and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out in anger towards others and instead, I commit myself to stop within myself the acceptance and allowance of verbal diminished, suppression and anger to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this anger towards others in my world and thus I stop the cycle of abuse within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with others in my world in developing a defence mechanism in regards to my education through keeping the belief of my “lack of education” hidden from others in my world to protect me from such situations or events reoccurring instead of living self trust within me that I do not accept or allow myself to participate in emotions and experiences in relation to verbal diminishment when I express myself as I realize I only validate and confirm what has been said about me through participation within me, through acceptance and allowance within me and thus whenever I run into the same or similar situation I breathe through the moment and live and apply self trust within that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I speak of things / subjects ‘outside’ of my personal experience that I will be attacked, judged and verbally diminished by others in my world instead of realizing that it is only a personality of mind that can be attacked or ‘hurt”- and, if I am shown that I am incorrect than I am simply incorrect and require to readjust my knowledge to actual fact and that it does not require me to take it personally as it is a simple readjustment of understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong and within this, fear speaking myself with others in my world whom I have not fully integrated into my sphere of comfort ability instead I push myself to speak to others whom I do not know personally about subjects and goings on of this world and of education as I am equally responsible for what is going on here and of the education system and thus, can speak about such subjects if there is something that is required to be said

I commit myself stop live and apply self confidence through living self trust within me that I do not accept or allow myself to react within the mind towards other beings in my world, and allow myself to express myself with others in my world in stopping the fear that come up within me

I commit myself to let go of this memory in allowing myself to be defined by this memory as I realize my responsibility of me in the moment and thus do not accept or allow myself to repeat the same patterns of behaviour through suppressing me in conversation and towards others

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