Day 74: Thinking about an Old Friend SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about X, and when I think about X- suppress the emotions I experience in connection to X, instead of seeing the thought, allowing the thought to simply float by– without participating in reaction– as I realize the more I react to the thought about X and the more I suppress the emotional experience that come up in connection to the thought, believing that if I push this emotional experience down within me- that the thought will go away, and it does- for a short while, before the law of resistance rebounds the thought and experience: that which I resist to see, face and direct within myself- over and over and over and I- unawares of why and how I still am thinking about X and experiencing the emotions I had experienced all those years ago, like it was yesterday- instead of realizing that I had created and manifested this experience of overwhelming sadness and regret due to participating in each thought and each emotional reaction every time it comes up, which layered itself overtime- not realizing that I created this overwhelming experience of sadness towards X through accumulation– and suppressing the whole moment within me by not ever looking at what I am holding onto, why and how in self honesty, and from that point of investigation, correct myself and ensure that I do not participate in the same patterns of behaviour and habits, and as I correct me- live self forgiveness in letting go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional energetic experience in connection to X, and from here allow myself to define the emotional energetic experience within the thought “I still care about X, but X does not care about me”- not realizing that the emotion is just an emotion, but I had defined myself by the emotion through attaching a meaning to it, a thought to it, and believe that the emotional experience is what I had attached and connected to it, instead of realizing that the emotional energetic experience that comes up within me is the manifested consequence of suppressing my thoughts and emotions whenever I think about X and, that which I have held onto and carried within me in memory from the past and thus, not who I am but that what I had accepted and allowed myself to be one with and equal to, which I have the directive principle to stop and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the emotional experience that come up within me in connection to X as “I still care about X, but X doesn’t care about me” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t actually care about X, having thoughts about another doesn’t mean I care about them, its actually the opposite because my thoughts are always in relation to myself and my own self interest and thus I cannot trust any thought that comes up within me as I have been programmed to put my interests above others– which invalidate the thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought I connected to the emotional energetic experience that was triggered by X- that “I still care about X but X does not care about me”- which is a form of manipulation, as I shift my responsibility of me outside of me towards X and giving X the power over how I experience me, hiding behind such words as I see that what exist behind them, is the desire to rekindle my friendship with X and knowing that ‘its too late’ / what’s done is done- which I have accepted and allowed to keep me the same patterns and behaviours of who I am in relationship to X, instead of taking responsibility for me, who I accept and allow myself to be and become

I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts and emotions towards X as I realize that in allowing myself to bring up and hold onto the thoughts and emotions- I remain in the same patterns of behaviour and habits of personality in relationship to X and others I exist in friendships towards

I commit myself to do a mind construct on X and investigate who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to hold onto which I have defined myself by, to change who I am and not repeat the same patterns and behaviours

I commit myself to stop the desire to speak with X, as I realize that it will not solve the inner conflict I experience towards X and thus, Commit myself to investigating, writing, self forgiving myself and living self correction to sort out who I am and my responsibility of me

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