Day 67: Fear of hearing No: Haste and Consequence


This blog is a continuation from :

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the habit and addiction I’ve created in connecting positive emotional experiences to researching, purchasing, caring for and collecting cacti- as silly, to not have to face within myself the amount of energy in space / time I devote to diverting my attention towards cacti / my experiences – and in this ‘downplaying’ of my participation in thoughts, emotions, experiences and physical habit in space / time- feel ashamed in not wanting to admit to myself that I have allowed this addiction to plants to ‘take over’ instead of realizing that, within seeing and being aware of the habits / participation in thoughts and energy – I am actually blaming the cacti! Through making the statement that ‘oh this is too silly to even look at’ — but it’s not about the plants themselves, it’s about me and who I am in relationship to plants which I’ve separated myself from, to continue to divert my attention, time and energy to ‘positive highs’ within my mind to not have to face that which I have deemed ‘negative’ / ‘boring’ about myself and my life instead of taking a step back to see: that I am feeding the mind with energy within the perception that my life is boring, through identifying myself in believing this thought is who I am when it is not- it is the mind


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become angry, upset and disappointed with me for having participated in mind possession of and as haste within the preparing / taking care of the agaves (cacti), where instead of moving practically within space and time in considering all dimensions in doing the research in how to effectively propagate the agave- I allowed myself to run around in my mind and miss a crucial detail that would prevent the roots from rotting, and in having missed it- did the opposite which could potentially harm / kill the plant and its offspring- instead of realizing that I never actually cared about the plant, that my feeling bad, upset and disappointed is a defence mechanism I utilize to make myself feel better about compromising the plant’s health within the belief that I care, instead of actually caring as a living application as caregiver / custodian that ensures the plants health through informing and educating myself effectively to give to the plant what it needs and requires to live and accepting myself one and equal to the plant


I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as more than the plants and the plants less than me, through ’objectifying’ the plants to generate within me all kinds of special feelings in caring for, researching and purchasing new plants as I derive within myself pleasure in perceiving the plant as ornamental, something I decorate my ego with in having the plants in my home and ’caring’ for them- where ‘care’ becomes harm when defined within and through the mind, as ego, in wanting to care and help another that apparently needs me- and in that only considering I / Self / Me. Instead I commit myself to stand one and equal to plants through remaining here and focused on my breath and apply patience in living application in slowing down in stopping thoughts, emotions experiences and applying self forgiveness and self correction


I commit myself to effectively inform and educate myself on taking care of the cacti to ensure it’s health


I commit myself to, when and as I see myself wanting to ‘care for’ the plants I stop as I realize that in wanting to ‘care for’ something from the starting point as ego, the consequence within this application of ‘care’ is not Care as it is only the recognition of my ego in wanting to be more, feel special, and a way in which I divert my attention from being here and breathing- and I instead bring myself back here, and care for myself first in ensuring that I am not participating in the mind that create consequences within the physical body and of other living beings such as the cacti


I commit myself to stop feeding the mind with positive emotional energies in relation to cacti and ensure that while working, educating myself, and supporting the cacti that I am here and breathing- that I learn from the cacti in relation to growth and movement in how it is very slow- where I can apply the same application with myself in slowing myself down and being patient with me

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