Lately I’ve started seeing and noticing while others are speaking they are trying to convince people to do something or of something that they’ve realised in themselves, but I hadn’t yet brought this point back to myself until yesterday when I had a conversation with someone in my world.
I first recognized this point a while ago while having conversations with a friend. When I noticed that this person was trying to convince others, I asked if they considered that they were trying to convince people instead of walking as an example. In that moment I missed a window of opportunity to reflect the same point back to myself because I realise that if I am able to recognize something in others- I have accepted and allowed the exact same point within me and then from there, investigate where in my world I am participating in attempting to convince others of realizations I’ve had or understandings about something and apply myself.
On my way home from Toronto on a bus, there was a young woman who leant over to ask me if I had something to drink- she was having an ‘anxiety attack’ because she was feeling too clusterphobic and she was really sorry she didn’t want to come off as crazy but there were big changes in her life. I gave her my Gatorade and said, ‘remember to breathe’. The next thing she does is pick up her cell and call a friend and speak with her for the whole hour trip home about how her friend should move to Toronto with her because she realised that where she’s from wasn’t doing her any good and so she wants her friend to come and stop all of the excuses and justifications that come up within her. I immediately thought, well that’s not cool I mean, how I see it is abdicating self-responsibility through trying to convince other people to live out what you’ve realised even though you haven’t actually changed yourself and now obviously your friend will have their defence-mechanisms running because the friend is feeling attacked- and it was an attack. So instead of realizing that shit- my judgment reflects that I am equal and one to this person, and within judgment I have elevated my stance as superior towards this person, instead of seeing the judgement come up within me and realize- I am one and equal to this person as my judgment reflects to me I exist in fear to what this person is revealing about me. Investigate the point, where and how am I doing the exact same thing and apply myself in stopping and making the necessary change in living and walking the point of taking realizations and walking the process of application in space and time.
For a few days now I’ve been researching different tile designs because I want to make a mosaic out of tile and eventually install it in my bathroom. I came across these designs from a mosque in Iran built in the year 1150’s and was completely blown away by the absolute precision of the geometrical designs at such a large scale on concave and convex surfaces. So while having a conversation with another in my world yesterday, I started speaking about these designs and about how I would like to do a mosaic and install it, and how I was going to go about that whole process. The person replied with a compliment to me in how I have something special as passion.
Whenever someone compliments me in conversation a feeling of being uncomfortable comes up within me because I am attempting to resist taking the compliment personally because I realize where I will end up going if I take compliments personally.
I remembered back to an article I read about a Muslim woman who was being interviewed about her geometrical tile designs. When asked how she responds to positive criticism, she replied that it is not her who should receive the compliment and that it is god who is coming through her and that this is another way in how she ‘kneels and kisses the ground’. I saw similar statements of separating oneself from their creative abilities in a writers TED talk on the inner genius. The author wrote books, and one of the books turned out to be a best seller and after that she found she was unable to write because she knew that it was highly unlikely that she would ever write a book again that would receive the same recognition. She started investigating how within our past the artists would separate themselves from the art where it would actually be the ‘genius’, and the genius would come out and express itself in different people. If the artist messed up, they would simply say ‘oh the genius messed up’ so in that way they were able to continue without any fear or ego inflation. As I look at this point now, I realize that separating oneself from the art to avoid any emotional turmoil or ego inflation that come up is self-dishonest through creating an alternate mind dimension and in that abdicate all self-responsibility for oneself.
What I said in response to the person giving me a compliment ended up with me talking about the two points listed above and the consequences of taking it personally and at the end I realized shit- I am trying to convince this person because I have not stopped taking it personally when others compliment my art- but it was too late.
I had previously realized through my own experience the consequences of defining oneself according to an image one create for oneself. Instead of going to the point of actually stopping myself from taking compliments personally through writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction through space and time I created an idea or image of what I would like to be in the future, and thus the realization turned to ego because I defined myself according to that projected image and use it as a self reference in who I am. Thus, I missed the opportunity for real change.
In my next blog I will be writing my self-forgiveness statements of accepting and allowing myself to speak knowledge and information and abdicating my responsibility instead of applying myself to walk the realizations I come to in the physical so that I have actually integrated the realization as who I am and write the corrections of how I will apply these points in my daily life.