I will be continuing with the fear of visibility point that I’ve been walking thus far, though today I will be skipping the memories. In my SRA course I am now walking the point of timelines, so when I come to these memories in relation to visibility I don’t feel that I have a structured way of working with them in self forgiveness quite yet. Though I am still walking these memory points on my own, but I will be doing them at my own pace because it is something ‘new’ and may take some time/patience, so I will blog them when they are completed. For the sake of applying visible consistency with my blogs I will be continuing with the next point.
Self-Compromise. Within the fear of speaking up and standing up the consequence I see in myself is a point of self-compromise with others in my world because I won’t speak up for myself in times where I want to, specifically with those who I perceive as emotionally unstable- Which is interesting in itself because it only reflects that it is ME who is actually emotionally unstable when in an environment with people who are emotionally charged, and it is me who is compromising myself in relationship to others because I change and mold myself accordingly, instead of being here in stability. When I see that someone is emotionally charged and that it may possibly be directed towards me, I realize that it has nothing to do with me and that the person may believe or perceive it is someone/something outside of themselves that make them feel a certain way but in actual fact created it within themselves. I have not yet been able to fully integrate that realization and change how I direct myself in such a scenario. What I do instead, is suppress myself, where I try to become invisible when around this emotionally charged person. I feel like I have to become invisible, so that I don’t make people upset, I will feel awkward around them and try to limit being around them in my actions afterward as much as possible. This experience is not cool at all, I end up becoming angry with me because I won’t allow me to express myself naturally. I start to feel as though I am being taken advantage of- which isn’t true because I am the one who is compromising myself, not the other way around-and so I end becoming that unstable emotionally charged person and ‘lash out’ towards others because you can only suppress for so long before the energy requires a release and it will.
What triggers this whole pattern are my thoughts about what other people think, and caring about what other people think. When I say I ‘care’ about what people think, what I’m actually doing is being obsessive, because to care is to obsess. I realize that being considerate is doing/acting, in a way that is best for all, if the solution/action/doing can accumulate to and fit a global scale that will produce harmony. Being obsessive is only taking into consideration what other people think and feel and only what I think and feel. I also see that, when I do not stand up and speak up for myself when I want to, it is because I have accepted and allowed the exact same point which they are upset about, to exist within me which is why I cannot speak because I haven’t yet lived the corrections to ensure I do not participate within that point.
This point of self-compromise is unacceptable, because when I look at the consequences of the fear of standing up and speaking up at a global scale- that is exactly what many of us are doing when there are things that are required to be said, exposed and shown so that we can find practical solutions to those problems.