Day 14: Laid of work part 1

Last October a group of us were told at work that we may be laid off work. A plant called Electro Motive Canada closed down and their workers are bumping us out. We were told that 144 positions would be taken by these workers, and I am 89 from the bottom of the list to go.

Ive spent the last 4 months on a roller coaster ride of fear and hope. We have been ‘left in the dark’ as to how many people are actually coming to bump us out, and as such I have been participating in all of the speculation that’s been going around the shop in an attempt to find closure as to where I am, if I’m leaving, so that I don’t have to always wonder. I realize though that now, as the list gets shorter with all of those who’ve already been laid off, that I will receive my layoff notice this month and I feel depressed. I’ve also been really short with those around me, living in constant irritation and anger.

It amazes me sometimes how I allow myself to piece information together, assume, create an idea of ‘this is what is going to happen’ and believe these things to be true when I do not in fact know if the information, or the math that I do, is actually correct. I piece the information in the way that there is always some hope for me to stay, it requires me to believe what comes up in my mind and have trust in that but it was never real and how I experience myself as of late is the consequence of participating in belief and hope. I realize that in hope I wait, because I fear standing up and taking direction in my life so I am here writing out self forgiveness to bring myself back to awareness and direct my own world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not be able to pay my mortgage- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not being able to pay my mortgage’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my house- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘losing my house’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to make money- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘not being able to make money’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being poor- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘being poor’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being rejected by society if I become poor- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘being rejected by society’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear having to struggle to survive- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect ‘having to struggle to survive’ to fear and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear my own fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my responsibility of self in hope

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hope to keep my job and in that, wait, instead of taking responsibility for myself in directing my own world

To be continued in the next blog. 

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