This morning I slept in for work. I woke up and turned my alarm clock on snooze twice, actually the second time I turned it off completely expecting that I would stay up but instead I got back into bed and fell asleep. When I finally woke up at 6:30 and realized the time I did not react as I normally would have, frantically running around the place grabbing my clothes and feeling intense anxiety/fear. I thought because I had perfect attendance and that there is a 2% window where absenteeism and lateness is in essence accepted, I didn’t think that I was in that big of shit and I carried on. I see the moment I just described as an opportunity to question my sleeping in but I missed it. There is a change in the way that I see work; due to the fact that there is a 99% chance I will be laid off in March. Normally being late would really upset me, due to me fearing losing my job, so since I realize this is a highly likely reality, I don’t experience this intense anxiety and fear that would drive me to wake up and go instead of waking up and going being a self willed act.
During the car ride to work I wondered if my being late would affect my possible opportunity to be called back to work when I am laid off in March. I also imagined myself having a disciplinary meeting with management about me being late, apologizing and stating that the corrective action I apply is to take extra precaution because I have a further drive in comparison to others. When I look at that statement I feel like it is an excuse, or rather I use it as an excuse to not get in trouble hence placing myself in such a scenario within my mind.
What I find interesting is that last night I had thoughts/pictures pop up about being late for work and I dismissed them. It seems as though I subconsciously accepted being late today, and I come to this conclusion because I’ve noticed these types of thoughts pop up in other instances where I have been late/missed something. I see that because I didn’t direct the thoughts and just allowed them to flow through without addressing them and making a statement that I’m not going to be late for work, in that, I had already accepted being late as a go. I am clearly self-sabotaging myself here, so Self Forgiveness and Commitment statements to follow in my next blog.