Within the past couple of days I have been faced with my past as who I was a year ago both in my writing in thought constructs, and through people. I’m now considering different approaches of taking responsibility, ones that I have not done before- actually facing a person who ‘hates me’ and asking forgiveness, and obviously applying self forgiveness for myself to make sure that I never again repeat the mistakes I have made. This will take a lot of effort- sorting out my mental- because there are many points that must be faced.
Maybe I will make it my mission, to face every person I have wronged, and face them in the physical, asking forgiveness for what I have done. Yes I will probably be hated by many- But if I were to actually face people as the secret chat that Ive had about others then I would physically see the consequences- and never again allow myself to participate in such backchat. Because the point here- is to take responsibility and learn from my mistakes as making sure that who I am is actually changed, through an extended period of time. Consistency, just because I may be changed for a short period of time does not mean I can be trusted, or that I can trust myself, unless I am consistent.
I know that facing people with the secret backchat I have about them sounds a bit extreme. Is it necessary? Honestly I think it would be a great character building point for me.
Im not saying that Im simply going to go tell ‘sue’ that I had thoughts about her as a cow or something- that defeats the purpose. So Im asking myself, how do I apply self responsibility in the physical with another human being. So, placing myself in a situation where I am faced with a being I have abused. I tell them, I realise what I have done and it is unacceptable, and ask forgiveness. Just now as I placed myself in that situation, I realise how arrogant Ive been because I see, without all the reactions, justifications and excuses, that what I’ve done is really shitty and I actually understand where this person is coming from and why they’ve decided to hold grudges against me. My mistakes were made in the physical, and my corrections must be made in the physical. That is the whole point.
There are two points of fear that comes up, and it is interesting that fear always reflect dishonesty. 1.) fear of giving desteni a bad name based on my character- what does this show me? that I do not trust myself? 2.)Fear of causing more unnecessary harm, how can I harm when I see what is unacceptable and stand up from that and take responsibility.
The question is, Why have I not done this sooner- because that is the real reason that all the abuse that I have done has come to this point. I mean, how arrogant do I have to be to resist facing someone I have wronged and telling them Im sorry, living that by changing who I am.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry with myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from who I am and ‘I am different now’ through defining who I am within ‘I am different now’- justifying the mistakes I have made- in separation of myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become arrogant by not allowing myself to stand up and take responsibility for me in what I see is unacceptable and change
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live arrogance by not allowing myself to place myself in the shoes of another
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abdicate my self responsibility through the participation of fear- instead of realizing that fear protect my own self interest- and stand up and face the person I have abused
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing dishonesty as placing my own self interest before facing another who I have wronged
I do not accept or allow arrogance as separating myself from another through reactions- I immediatly place myself in the situation of facing that person in what I see is unnacceptable and ask forgiveness- to then face that person in the physical and do the same. Apply self forgiveness for myself to make sure that I do not repeat the same mistake and live that correction
I will meet with the specific people I am referring to in this blog, tell that I see what I have done and that it is unacceptable, and ask for forgiveness