I had an interesting conversation with X the other day. We were speaking about distractions and making the environment a suitable enough to start writing because we experienced some resistances. He said: do you prepare your workspace before you draw/paint? And i said no, I pick it up where I left off. I see that I am blaming my physical environment, that i have to prepare myself and remove all of these points of uncomfort to actually start writing- instead of simply resuming where I left off. Its much like a computer, where the computer first loads itself to resume. I see that I have become mechanical in the writing process, and my writing itself.. because i first have to do this, write this down, gather this knowledge and information, write it on paper and then write on the computer- it is definetly not a self expression. Self expression in writing would be, to simply pick up a pen or start writing on the keyboard as I am right now.
The resistance- continuing writing on the fear of expressing. Both Anns and Mayas comments on nmy first point were suportive to me, in seeing that when I write I am not deliberatly trying to be the superior but have judged myself as that, and I see that i could be more specific in what fears come up in relation to the thought: if people got a problem with me sharing myself they can go fuck off.
I reviewed my writing to see if I had written any specifics of why/how I experience fear, but I tend to be shallow in writing- in that I only speak of what is on the surface from a knowledge and information starting point- trying to take the point on from there.
The question: Why/How do I fear expressing myself? is it a judgment? Do I fear being abused? Has the self judgment origionated from a self accepted definition of me as inferior?
The answer to all these questions is yes. I have judged myself for being inferior, I fear being intimate and vulnerable because I fear others abusing me, and I limit myself from expressing because i have judged myself from the starting point of accepting me as inferior.
Picking up where I left off
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the fear of judgment from others to exist within and as me
So, I fear sharing myself because i fear being judged by others. I fear the conflict I would experience me if someone were to comment on a post that I perceive and define as negative/bad/wrong. It is the fear of being rejected/attacked. I fear losing the acceptance i had defined in relationship to others. I fear exposing myself as inferior.