Fear Expressing

Feb 11th

I set up the syndication of my blog posts with facebook. No more hiding. I see that i separated myself from the people in my world. I defined the relationship where I would only allow myself to experience stability and peace if I had maintained and controlled my expression to be as minimul as possible towards people in my world to hide from my own inner conflict and instability. No more blaming.

In elementary, a kid in my class said a phrase that always stuck with me: its better to appear ignorant then to speak and remove all doubt. Im starting to hit the resistances now, but Ive got to push through. The point that Im resisting is going into past memories, the point where i created a suppression.

Feb 12th

The point here is sharing myself, i am absolutely petrified of sharing myself in the moment. I watched Bernards video Articulation and Presentation, and I said.. oh shit. Presenting and articulating is what I have been accumulating in the past couple of weeks… where I manipulate my writing to sound better/more than/intelligent, like: hey, look at me I am better I am superior- bullshit. Or within making videos, Ill record myself and say, no thats not good enough (judgment)- and then record another video in hopes that i will present the presentation I am looking for. The truth is, I feel extremely inferior and I havent yet accepted and embraced all that i have become and all of who I am in this moment. What I find interesting is that I have watched destenis videos when they spoke about lightworkers, and I hade reactions within me like: shit i do that- but because I perceived that I was separate from the point spoken of in the video, that Im safe because.. its not directed towards me. I am no different than a lightworker or those that search for enlightenment- because we are so unsatisfied with ourselves that we start to look for knowledge and information that is apparently more than and define ourselves as that.

So why am I unsatisfied? because I see me, I see that I do not apply myself.

When I look at my videos I think: man, I look sad, I look like Im about to cry. You know why Im sad? Im sad because I have judged myself so extensively that I cannot even speak, I cannot speak alone with myself! Thats some heavy shit. I desire to express myself, to share myself.. but because i have fallen for the resistances so many times it became a wall of bricks. This is my point of self acceptance- to accept me in the moment as all that I am and have become. I want to embrace myself, this is important- how can I change if I am in denial of who I am? and how I exist?

Im not being hard on myself, Im just fed up with this polarity. I feel a sense of excitement in myself knowing that I will post this and it will be on my facebook for all to see.

I just had a thought: If people got a problem in me sharing myself they can go fuck off.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the thought: If people got a problem in me sharing myself they can go fuck off to exist within and as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to- within the participation of the thought: if people got a problem in me sharing myself they can go fuck off- become angry

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct my self-created anger, through the participation within the thought: if people got a problem in me sharing myself they can go fuck off, towards people in my world- blaming people in my world for my experience of anger within myself that I created

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect sharing myself on facebook to the thought: If people got a problem with me sharing myself they can go fuck off

I forgive for accepting and allowing the point of sharing myself on facebook to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the thought of :If people got a problem with me sharing myself on facebook they can go and fuck off

I forgive myself for accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing myself on facebook

I forgive myself for accepted and allowed the fear of sharing myself on facebook to exist within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself myself to connect the thought: if people got a problem with me sharing myself on facebook they can go and fuck off- to an emotional experience of bitterness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within an emotional experience of bitterness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into an emotional experience of bitterness because I realise that I havent allowed myself to share and express myself and I wanted to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an emotional experience of anger

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be bitter because I blame others in my world for why I have not allowed myself to share me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become bitter because I dont want to face me in self intimacy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from other human beings in my world

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame other beings in my reality for not being able to share myself- because I dont want to face myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse facing myself, and instead create relationships with others separate from me to blame them

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge the word Expression with a negative value

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge the word Expression as bad/negative/wrong within my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word Expression through judging the word Expression as bad/negative/wrong

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word Expression to the emotional experience of sadness and disapointment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the word Expression to exist as a trigger point within me, which triggers the emotional experience of sadness and disapointment

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of sadness and disapointment

To be Continued.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Fear Expressing

  1. Ann says:

    Hey Sally, I had same fears many times although I have been sharing myself publicly for a while 😛
    But I wanted to ask you: did you really think about “I will act superior in my writing” or stuff like that when you were making posts? Because I have noticed in myself that I often took on judgements others made, and projected it onto myself even when it was not my starting point.

  2. Maya says:

    Cool Sally – already started to walk the correction by posting here.

    I suggest to investigate the origin of the thought: “if people got a problem with me sharing myself on facebook they can go and fuck off”. meaning, is that fear of being judged? is it fear they neglected you – fear of loss? is it self judgment that activated through existsing as inferior. you know – keep on writing and see what’s up.

    Ather that that – it’s cool you’ve supported yourself within the self Forgiveness as it was practically suggested on Lesson 3 of the ITD.

    oh yeah, we tent do be hard on ourselves. make sure you’re not making it hard on yourself. slow down, breath and walk moment by moment.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s