So in the past couple of weeks I have experienced a fear of loss and jealousy. I had been hiding from this point of the fear of losing the external relationship (projection of the relationship within me onto my partner) because I feared losing the relationship I had with my mind! hahahaha.
so I came to a point where I said to myself- i cant fucking continue like this- jealousy, fear of loss, comparison judgment etc…
I always ended up blaming relationships but never bringing it back to me. I have broke up with people many times wanting to end the experience i have of me, but then i go into another relationship and experience myself the exact same way with another. I watched a video that triggered my thoughts of wanting out, wanting an escape, excuse and reason to end the relationship but it doesnt matter because in the end, i didnt change- I have not stopped me and therefore, all my attempts are futile. In my writing as i reviewed it today i am clearly and repeatidly telling myself that I blame the external relationship to hide from myself, and that I desire to end the relationship I have with my mind.
So, I am ending the relationship I have with my mind that I have projected onto my partner. Now that i realised that i feared losing the relationship I had with my mind I experience me as lighter and relieved.