Self Abuse

Jan 25th

I have a resistance to making videos again. The reason is because I have judged my face. When I judge my face, I pick my skin. The anger I have towards myself for not directing me compounds- and I take it out on me as self mutliation.

I am quite obsessed with picking my face. On regular I do it 5 times a day at least, sometimes half an hour or longer. I even try to pick my boyfriends face.

In my videos, I want to be seen as beautiful. I like when I see myself on camera and I think and feel beautiful.

When I see my face on camera and it is not what i have defined as beautiful- I become upset and here is the polarity of two negatives: thinking, believing and feeling beautiful as energy is creating the experience of myself as ugly as well as physically manifesting that ugliness, my skin as scarred and red. I am angry with myself for attaching a value system to a picture i created within my mind and believing that to be me, believing that I must live up to this picture. I am physically destroying that picture because I am tired and angry with myself for mutliating myself by defining me through and as the mind.

So, I will direct myself by making a video- facing my face in what i have accepted and allowed myself to do to me in the mind.

In the mind I have picked apart my features as either beautiful or ugly- and this skin picking is but a manifested consequence to show myself that i am accepting and allowing myself to abuse me through defining me within a made-up make believe value-SYSTEM that has no value.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry with me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give value to beauty

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less than and inferior towards the picture I have created of me within the mind

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define me as the picture i see in my mind- that the mind presents to me- accepting and allowing that picture presentation to be me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be seen as beautiful and valuing that- instead of valuing myself as life

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