I put up quite a fight to actually start writing, much unecessary frustration and anger.
The two major points of superiority/inferiority that come up within my day to day living
1.) At work with customers
2.) On facebook with status, videos and articles.
At work i find myself getting angry all the time with customers. I work as a cashier.
Points of anger that come up: Customers getting in my way of doing my job, customer trying to help me do my job, customers telling me how many items they have when the number is 1-10, customers who ignore me when i speak to them, customers who exert their frustration or anger towards me, customers who get angry (i have a belief that customers are deliberatly abusive to get their way), customers who make jokes that arent funny, customers who tell me to grow my hair, customers who say the item must be free because its not scanning, customers who tell me that i look cold, customers who tell me to smile, customers who bring their cart too close to my till. the point that i will be focusing on are the ones that i react in spite towards which are: 1.) customers who exert their anger or frustration towards, or diminish me with their tone of voice. 2.) customers who tell me how many items they have 3.) customers who try to help me do my job
many many many anger points which reflect superiority and inferiority.
How do I experience myself in relation to 1.) customers who exert their frustration or anger towards me, diminish me with their tone of voice
The other day i had a woman come through my line with some hardwood. After i rung it all through, she asked me if it was on sale. I checked and it wasnt. The lady reacted emotionally towards this. Her reaction was of energy, frustration. Her voice became louder, and i perceived her as giving me attitude. My reaction towards this womans reaction was of anger. Physically, I glared at her and frowned towards her, i shook my head at her. My body language communicated: how dare you speak to me in such a way, dont fucking to talk to me like that. She ignored this which i was relieved because i was aware of myself in that moment, as spiteful. I did not want to hear her speak anymore. i called the flooring department to see if there was a sale on the product and he said that no, there was no sale, there was a sale two weeks ago, and there wont be a sale for a while. In this, i felt a sort of satisfaction, again spiting her. The lady went off becoming more frantic and in myself i said, i dont want to deal with this lady. I felt as though being in her presence was draining my energy. I called my manager on the scene because in myself, i was done with the situation. the manager found that there was a sale on the next day. my reaction was the but fear, fear of being questioned as to why i told this lady there is no sale for two weeks or so. i was trying to explain myself in saying that the department had told me so. I found myself trying to communicate with my manager that this lady is crazy though my eye movements and body language. The woman took an ink pen to write on the debit machine instead of using the pen linked to the debitmachine/touch pad itself. and in a really sweet, deceptive voice i intended to make her stupid for doing so. After the customer left I sighed a huge relief sigh to try to justify my own reaction to the situation with another customer.
In this moment i had allowed myself to inferiorize this woman, by making her stupid. This would not have occurred if i did not accept and allow myself to take her reaction personally, as a personal attack towards me. I also see that i was exerting my own suppressed anger of me out on this woman. The obvious dishonest point that i see in relation to this situation is, reacting to another in the belief they are inferiorizing me, and judging them for that- when i am the one who is inferiorizing.
A follow up with SF tomorrow.
jan 15: 2 eggs, toast, tea, 2 coffees, donut, oysters, carrots, cereal, chicken and potatoe wedges.
chocolate bar, 2 coffees, bagel with cream cheese, broccili, ceaser salad, meat, mashed potatoes.
Today I fell within my stability, forcing myself to write.