Continuation and daily blog

Today I decided to drive to my moms, she lives about an hour and a half from where I live. I had two days off work and decided that seeing her would be supportive. My mom recently got 2 horses and I wanted to meet them and run with them lol. They are nice horses, very big and i was scared at times with them so i talked aloud through the experience.

Today was more of a relaxing day. I took a nap. Im very comfortable sitting here writing and watching videos.

I saw today that in reacting to myself as what exists within me, i am giving that which i react to power over me. For me to be able to direct myself, i must stop all reactions to what exist within. I saw this point in reacting to what i see on tv, or more specifically a reaction of another towards something on tv. My mothers boyfriend said- that is cool, in relation to a serial killer using the trunk of his vehicle and removable lisence plate to sniper his victims. almost immediately to my reaction, i saw that when i react- i am powerless. I cannot react in any way whatsoever emotionally, to crime, violence, starvation- because in reacting i am not able to stop, reflect and direct the situation to an outcome that serve all beings here. I am reflecting this point of seeing onto my own reaction to what exist within me as judgment, superiority and inferiority. By reacting to these things stated, i am only allowing them the power to continue to exist. So i stop.

A continuation of my journal- fear of speaking self forgiveness:

in my journal I wrote down all of my fears in relation to the point of fear of speaking aloud. And as i continued i found that behind the fear of my brother judging me.. I am afriad of moving out and making it on my own.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear being kicked out and having no where to go

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to afford all the necessities i need to survive on my own

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear this future projection

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to live in constant fear, worry and anxiety towards the fear of making it on my own

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear living by myself

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remain stagnant within the fear of not having enough money to support me on my own

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear not having enough money to support myself with the basic necessities, ITD and university

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear my father

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear having to take on a full time job to support me in paying for my basic necessities, ITD and university

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear fear

I am able to find a full time job, buy my necessities, afford ITD and university in some way or another– This is what is required of me because I cannot accept and allow myself to exist as less than the system. I must stand one and equal with the money system.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay at home because it is comfortable

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to desire to stay at home because i am more able to spend my money where i want

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in separation of me through defining enjoyment as having money to spend where i want

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing the ability to spend money where i desire

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from enjoyment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving up/ fear losing my art room because it is perfect

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to wait for my father to one day, eventually kick me out

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my parents for my fear of having to work for money to survive

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to become jealous of those whos parents can afford their school tuitions

Self Corrective Action for 1.) fear of speaking SF aloud 2.) Fear of survival

1.) Speak SF statements aloud within my room while my family members are home. Take note of any thought/reactions that come up and investigate further. In this case, talking to my brother about what i am doing will work as well.

2.) I have correspondents courses that i have not submitted any assignments for. These correspondents courses are upgrades of my grade 12 from college to university. So, the corrective application to not accept and allow myself to continue the fear of living on my own would be to start my lessons, hand in my assignments and get the grade. Another corrective application would be to start looking for a full time job, I will see if i can get one within the company i am working for already- tho i know that i will not be able to continue the job i have which is unfortunate because i do like my job at times.

(a side note, it is very cool i am watching videos from people in process and they are sharing and exposing points they are suppressing, that is so cool! We are moving together. I am learning lots from those sharing)

 

Food Log

1 coffee, 1 bagel with cream cheese, 1 donut, 5 chicken wings, potatoe wedges, half a donut and some chocolate covered almonds, speghetti, 1 water, 1 orange juice.

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One Response to Continuation and daily blog

  1. Gian says:

    really cool points on reaction, I see this with in myself a lot lately as well, where something with in my immediate environment happens and I react with in that moment and when i speak only emotion comes out instead of direction, the point that I saw and everything did not come out as I planned it at all, because of the reaction and thus I have given away my power here as breathe,

    thanks for sharing.

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