My most prominant point in my living experience is the point of superiority and inferiority which Ive decided that I will take on with writing, applying self forgiving and living the self forgiveness in application. It is an extensive point, and is lived as a definition of me in almost everything i participate within- i could say all but i dont know that yet. Over the years Ive become aware of many situations where this point of superiority and inferiority has influenced and directed me. Essentially, superiority and inferiority is the fear of other people for me.

Yesterday I started writing self forgiveness in relation to the point of how i am living the belief of myself as morally superior to others and i found that I was judging myself especially when it comes to sharing who I have become. I was not supporting myself. I saw that I was trying to avoid facing the point of superiority within myself by allowing myself to fear other people and their possible judgments and perceptions of me. I also found that within the fear of others i had started to become deceptive and dishonest in writing and self forgiveness in trying to present that i am punishing myself in self judgment because i have defined superiority as bad/horrid etc. I see that i was only justifying the superiority/inferiority by allowing myself to fear others- so instead I will no longer filter what I write or what comes up within me to take on this point in its totallity.

I am considering to first take on the fear of others. It seems more practical because I want to have a self-honest starting point before I go into inferiority/superiority- as i have shown myself here that the fear of other people is influencing and directing me.

it seems like its all one in the same. ive noticed that in sharing my blog, how im writing is different than how i write to myself alone. here i am trying to sound smart or soemthing or well spoken.. because other people may read this. but by myself i dont care how i write, its what i write.

here is what i wrote yesterday:

Applying Adrian’s suggestion to my last post which is:

“a suggestion would be to look at the point you reacted to – so in this case it is about a person having some kind of special belief/status as a way to be ‘better than’ others, as if they are righteous/morally superior

the next step would then be to ask self: where is the same point existing within me and my own life – where am i living the same principle as that which i am reacting to now, in my own life?”

First I am making a note to myself to support me because in being intimate with me about what exist as thoughts in my mind.. i tend to be very harsh and judgmental towards myself. What i am experiencing at the moment is a fear of myself, fear of judgment and self abuse. I am also experiencing a fear of abusing myself in self forgiveness by not actually forgiving me but using forgiveness as a way to punish myself for what i see is ‘wrong/bad’. This is not acceptable and does not support me, neither does the fear. I am experiencing some doubt in what i ‘should’ start with.. i will start with what I am experiencing in the moment to not allow it to compound and accumulate further these points of fear. (also noting a pain on my right scapula, under the ‘wing’- intense).

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i am a wrong/bad person

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge the thoughts that come up within me when i am being intimate with me

i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the thought: this is how morality fucked me up. I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to listen to the voice in my head and give it any consideration.

breathing.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who practise and believe in religion as people who do not forgive

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who do not forgive as wrong/bad people

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who forgive as good/righteous people

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think/believe/perceive myself to be morally superior to those who believe and practice in religion because apparently they dont forgive

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those practicing religion as less than me because they, apparently, dont live forgiveness- when i have not lived forgiveness myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those practicing religion because ‘they dont forgive’ – instead of realizing that I am showing myself that I have not forgiven/ I dont forgive

The word filthy popped up into my mind. I have reacted to the word filthy.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself form and create an illusionary relationship of myself towards those who forgive

I am not supporting me, i feel very uncomfortable with this pain between my shoulder blades. im trying to rrun away from this, why do i have so much resistance? i am coming up with all the excuses in the world. what is it that i am doing? im not facing or directing the point.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i dont have the ability to direct this point

what i notice in my self forgiveness.. the thought that pops up is, distracting myself within specificity. i see i feel overwhelmed. starting over.

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in the word filthy

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for judging others- i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to participate in shame.

thought: forgiveness on reactions was questioned. forgiveness on reactions is acceptable, but the difference is who i am within that.. am i forgiving a reaction or is the forgiveness a reaction in itself.

breathing

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge those practicing religion as filthy- I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my own filthyness onto others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide behind the belief/perception of myself as morally superior towards religious people to hide the deceptive dishonest nature that is me.

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One Response to

  1. Valentin Rozman says:

    Cool Sally, push it through. I suggest also to put some titles to you blog post.

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