Fuck my stomach is killing me. Im here at Conestoga College supposed to be doing homework but I am in too much pain to do anything. So I’m writing, what i know i have to start doing more often. Sunettes videos on process support have been very assisting, like take the ss our of stress and rest, and it is too much! I often feel overwhelmed with myself in process, trying to ‘fix’ everything all at once and having expectation of myself within that. The thing i like is just focusing on one thing at a time and being specific about that point which makes a lot of sense. My biggest focus right now is remaining here within breath and starting to write. So pick a point to write about.. there are many points that i would like to start with.. they all seem to intertwine. 1.) superiority/inferiority.

There is a point of suppressing myself because of the fear of myself as ‘abusive’ in that i have, in my past, inferiorized others with my words and actions. Specifically, on the forums. When i first cut my hair i was writing a lot and doing self forgiveness, i started to share myself again on the forums. I was receiving support from Bella, and i found myself inferiorizing her. I was so ashamed of myself when i saw this because she was supporting me, its even hard for me to write about it now. I’ve started to write about this point with myself a while ago- because i saw this point was preventing me from including myself in the group and in participating in process. I excluded myself from the group because i was afriad that i would abuse others again, but what i realised about that was: yes, im going to make mistakes, im going to actually come face to face with who i really am and i now have the opportunity to change myself when i see that im saying/doing things that are unacceptable. I have the ability and opportunity to change, and i dont have to hide from myself in limitation because i see that it is just an excuse. I am still here on earth, I am in the ‘best’ position possible to correct myself to live what is best for all.

Part of me wants to go to the forums to refresh my memory but i dont think that is necessary.

Forgiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to the members of the desteni forum

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to Bella

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see Bella as more than me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to Bella

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as abusive

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of myself when i saw that i had become abusive instead of stopping, applying self forgiveness and correcting myself in the physical to no longer accept and allow abuse within me

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to inferiorize myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress me, hide me and attempt to control myself through retracting myself when i saw that i was abusive towards others

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hide me- to hide from me as if it will go away on its own

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to disappear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to remove myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing bella and what i have done

I forgive myself for what i have accepted and allowed myself to project onto Bella because in this forgiveness- i will never accept and allow myself to do this again- and if i do, i have scripted myself to immediatly correct myself in the moment

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