so. I wanted to ask **** to hang out and talk because i miss the intimacy of conversation. I reflected that back onto myself and I see that i miss my own communication with me. I’m tired of speaking to myself within thoughts, within the mirror of mind because its all abuse. I cant live, move speak without some sort of self abusive thoughts popping up- it makes me really sa that i’ve suppressed me to such an extent that i cant live. I’m so tired of existing as i do, but the truth is that i dont know how to live. and that statement in itself is fucked because.. life doesnt live according to a ‘how’, it just is. i dont trust myself, i dont know who i am, i question my own writing. i see though that anything that come up within me is me, as what i’ve accepted and allowed to be one with and equal to me. sometimes its differentiating what is mind and what is me. ive become the mind.
i dont want to exist as self interest anymore, or abuse, superior inferior i just want to be. i want to care care of myself and all as me. i want to be trustworthy and have integrity. i want to love and accept myself. i want to love and accept others as me. i want to live with dignity. i want to die knowing ive done all that i could to bring about a change for the children to come. i want sally claire wiseman to end, and to birth who i am as life.
i dont want to exist as a presentation of words without meaning anymore. i dont want to live in constant anger, sadness, shame, guilt and fear. i dont want to fear my neighbor, or myself. i dont want to live as limitation anymore. i dont want to hide anymore.i dont want to confirm past beliefs of myself anymore. i dont want to be dependant on others to be satisfied with me. i dont want to exist in hopes and dreams of a better life. i dont want to live in embarrassment of me anymore. i dont want to fear talking to others because i fear myself and my abusiveness.
i dont want to lock myself within myself in fear that i may abuse others
i want to breathe. i want stability and consistency.
i am breath. i am life. i am stability. i am consistency.