Day 80: ‘Free Time’ SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have become stiff and ridged when it comes to my daily routine as I have allowed myself to become stubborn in making sure that I always have ‘time to myself’ to research different topics of momentary interest and desire, wasting my time / life on that which I would call my apparent freedom to express myself and my ‘creativity’ in designing that which I would like to manifest without consideration of the consequences, instead of realizing that the freedom to spend my time the way ‘I want to’ is not ‘free time’ as I have defined ‘free time’ in opposition to the mentality and way of life I have accepted in terms of making money where I work hard for very little / just enough to get by and that I have become enslaved by my own ‘freedoms’ as ‘creativity’ through accepting the path that has been laid out before me, that I created, working my entire life to just ‘get by’ instead of investing my life in areas that will enhance and expand myself if I am dissatisfied with ‘where and who I am’ at this point, as I have accepted and allowed myself to live in polarity of freedom and enslavement where I actually only manifest my own enslavement to a lifestyle that has no real value within myself or the relationships I have within this world due to investing my time, focus and energy on momentary desires and interests that cannot be manifested without money and the necessary actions and steps to make such desires real- in making me real in living here and focusing my attention and on perfecting who I am in my relationship to myself and others starting with my vocabulary as I realize my vocabulary has been contaminated with meanings to words that don’t support me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I can be free and creative without money- through believing that designing within myself what I would do in physical creations such as painting, gardening, decorating- instead of realizing that thinking and designing how I would do things in a position opposite to the reality of my situation is pointless, as I will always require money to do the things I design within my mind and thus I am not actually free and creative due to the limitation I have pressed upon myself of accepting my relationship with myself as the ‘way it is’ in participation of desire without the physical actions required to bring those desires into fruition as I realize that when I walk a path of dedicating myself to self-perfection within the principle of what is best for all- I will remediate and correct the relationship I’ve created in terms of making money in only allowing myself to consider a very limited scope of jobs

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to resist ‘giving up’ the apparent freedom within myself because it provides for me a momentary satisfaction I see does not last and the consequences are that I end up doing nothing of real value or importance to me because they are dreams I chase within myself- and also resist doing the opposite of taking the actions and focusing my effort to the actions that would accumulate slowly but surely the results and perfection of mastering specific techniques that would expand who I am and my expression within this world which is of real value because it is value that I have added to myself as who I am

I commit myself to stop spending my time researching and creating designs within my mind that I am not able to physically manifest right now and instead- focus my effort and attention on perfecting my relationship with myself starting with my vocabulary

I commit myself to make the decision in my life where I want to go, the path that I will take, the necessary actions and steps required to bring about that which I can change

I commit myself to give up and let go of the momentary satisfaction I get from researching different topics of interest as I realize I’m giving up nothing in return for everything

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Day 79: SF on Stress and Money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to worry about money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect work, doing physical work in jobs that I do- to stress about money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the stress about money to the physical work / jobs I do and think to myself- I do not get paid enough

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience animosity within working and money due to the belief within myself that the work that I do is not equal in value to the amount of money that I am paid

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to wish that I would win the lottery so that I would be able to do the work that I enjoy doing without stressing about money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that stress would magically disappear from myself if I were to one day win the lottery, instead of realizing that stress is a habitual addiction I participate in and connect to different pictures, people situations and events and thus winning the lottery alone will not stop the stress within me- I must stop the stress

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot enjoy the work that I do if I am being paid for it because of the belief and perception that the work I do is solely for the money to survive in that I do not have enough time or get paid enough to really put in the effort that I enjoy putting into the work that I do and feel upset because of this- instead of realizing that the work I do was never supporting myself in the first place as I was always doing work for something separate from me and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame money and working for the lack of self support in the work that I do

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I need to stress about money when I am working with money / in connection to money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to stress and money by creating a relationship to money in taking on the stress personality of who I believe I should be and who I am with and towards money instead of realizing that I don’t actually require to experience and participate in stress while working for money / working with money- that this personality comes from my childhood in seeing how the adults in my world handled themselves within and towards money and thus- I do not accept or allow myself to create a relationship of stress towards money as I realize I don’t actually require stress to be effective with money and that becoming stressed is actually detrimental to my relationship with myself and with money as I spend my mental energy on thoughts, emotions and experiences instead of being practical in simply doing what it is that is required to be done in breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to view and perceive taking out loans / getting a mortgage as a risk, in that I am not ‘safe’ from losing that which I perceive I have gained from taking out a loan / getting a mortgage

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that even in the worst case scenario of not being able to pay my mortgage / loans- I am still here and I have not actually ‘lost’ anything as nothing can be taken away from who I am as Life and thus, have only lost that which I have defined myself according to

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value according to purchasing a home

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define my value in separation of me in what I have defined as ‘success’ and what is not ‘success’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to give my value away through believing and participating in the idea that my value is defined by having a career and having a university degree

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that if I were to lose the house, that I would have done nothing of value with myself for my age

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define value and importance on university degrees, getting a career, purchasing a home, owning a car and within this- measure my value accordingly instead of valuing myself as Life in focusing on my writing, breathing, my commitments and corrections and supporting a world that is best for all

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and perceive that pursuing my education is a risk and in this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear pursuing my education for fear of not having enough money

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider all of my options for schooling and working equally due to fear

I commit myself to consider all options for working and school equally

I commit myself to come up with a game plan as to where to direct myself in my career choice

I commit myself to, when I am doing jobs / physical labor- to remain here in breath and not accept or allow myself to think about money

I commit myself to stop worrying and stressing over money as I realize it is pointless

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Day 78: Reaction to Memory + Teacher

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel angry with myself for holding onto past memory moments in relation to shyness, the fears behind the shyness and the memories connected to that to determine who I am, how I experience myself and what I accept and allow myself to be one with and equal to and what not

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to within self anger, give my power away to past memory moments that I’ve stored within me in who I will be and who I am according to my environment and those within it, giving the memories power to exist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as less than my memories, through judging the memories as ‘insignificant’ and separating myself from that in denying the memory has any influence or impact on me today due to fear of change

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear taking responsibility for me in no longer allowing myself to blame my teacher and the event that had taken place within that moment in no longer accepting myself as the victim of the situation and the victim of his apparent authority and within this, fear of changing who I am in the face of those I’ve deemed as ‘nasty’, ‘vicious’ people and also how I’ve also accepted nastiness and viciousness within myself one and equal

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience and participate within anger due to seeing how such memory moments made an impact and influence on me due to my own sensitivity in seeing the expressions of others and relating it back to myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an energy that comes up within me in connection to the specific memories of being in grade school and a teacher I had then instead of simply looking at the memory, looking at the anger and realizing that becoming angry is pointless

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge my teacher as nasty and vicious for his behaviour towards myself and towards other students in my class- instead of realizing that who he is and what he did had nothing to do with us, that I don’t have to take it personally, that there possibly was something going on in his life that contributed to his behaviour in that I never saw the whole picture and thus cannot take a stance of ego-superiority towards him, which isn’t and excuse for his behaviour but something to consider and as well, bring the point back to myself in sorting myself out

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been diminished by the words, expressions, demands and behaviours of my teacher

I commit myself to open up the memory without judgment or experiences of anger and when I see that it comes up, I stop and breathe

I commit myself to, when I am looking at memories- to not judge the memory

I commit myself to breathe

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Day 77: Groups of People SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in feelings of being overwhelmed and physical discomfort and connecting this experience within me towards large groups of people talking where I view the event as being over stimulating

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel a sense of agitation within myself while being amongst a large group of others speaking loudly overtop of each other, laughing- as a form of blame in separating myself from the group through observing the situation and not being able to effectively ‘handle’ within myself the goings-on all around me when it is actually myself that I am not able to effectively handle in such situations that is triggered by large groups of people

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry within myself when others are speaking loudly over top of each other due to the experience within me I created towards such events, and reason within myself that my anger is due to my ears hurting as they crackle in the left when noises become loud, and within this direct my anger towards the situation around me instead of realizing that I am angry within myself for having self compromised myself through over exerting myself in physical work over the past few days and feeling tired and irritated within this and instead I breathe through the situation

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to breathe through situations and events I find ‘over stimulating’ as I realize that what exist behind this resistance is actually fear and thus, I am able to walk through this fear within breath

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable within me when two people become involved in a heated debate and not want to be part of the situation due to me not wanting to participate myself in the debate as I will sometimes see points that I could share but resist doing so in seeing myself becoming emotionally charged within the conversation and not wanting to become that and so, remove myself from the conversation and allowing myself to feel uncomfortable within me, instead of breathing through such emotional experiences that come up within me, speak what it is I would like to say, but also ensure that I do not participate within myself the emotions that is triggered by such conversations

I commit myself to, when amongst groups of people, to breathe through that which come up within me

I commit myself to speak up in conversations and share my perspectives and points of view if I would enjoy doing so, but also breathing within this in not accepting or allowing myself to participate in emotions that come up in heated debates

When and as I see irritation and anger come up within me, look to see where it is I created this anger so to not project that anger onto my environment and those around me

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Day 76: Memory and Education SF

These past few days have been extremely busy for me as I am working long days doing renovations for my partners parents so that is why I haven’t written in a few days. Though the workload has now slimmed down to a manageable workday and will be able to continue my blogs.

Since I started with my last blog on shyness I’m starting to investigate where the fears I utilize shyness to protect myself from originated. The following self forgiveness is one of the main fear memories I experience in relation to shyness and self confidence, starting with my education:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept myself as less than who I am through defining my self worth and self value according to a memory of when I was in grade school, where I had said something and an adult had responded with the words “what the fuck do they teach you in school?”, where I had experienced within my physical body a shock to my system as I saw the anger that was expressed within the tonality and pitch of their voice- and took the whole moment personally in believing and perceiving that this persons expression was being exerted towards me personally and that I am wholly responsible for the behaviour of this person due to me not ‘knowing the facts’ of how things operate instead of realizing that what had been said to me was not directed at me personally- but the anger that had been expressed by this person was created by themselves and lashed out towards me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have been diminished by the words and expression of this person instead of standing up within myself in realizing that I had merely triggered the anger that another had been accumulating and creating within themselves and had nothing to do with their anger and thus I stand up within myself in not accepting or allowing myself to be diminished by another’s words in living and applying self honesty in reflecting what this person is accepting and allowing within themselves through breathing and not taking their words personally

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to confirm and validate what the other had said to me in regards of my education within the system through taking it personally in believing that I am wholly responsible for the words and behaviour that is expressed towards me, and through reacting to this persons expression in believing that what is coming up within me as emotional experiences as real and valid, accept what had been said towards me through equal and one acceptance and allowance of reaction within the mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my trust outside of myself into the adult as the authority figure instead of questioning this persons behaviour and also my own behaviour in reaction to what had been said to not accept or allow myself to follow, believe and define myself according to this experience as I realize that who I am is not defined by past memory moments of experiences and emotions that motivate me into specific directions within my future and instead I commit myself to apply self trust within myself that whenever another being expresses emotional frustration towards me I trust me to breathe, to not take it personally, and to show the other what they are accepting and allowing within themselves through being a mirror / blank slate within and as me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress this whole moment / experience within me in never looking at or investigating it in self honesty, writing and self forgiveness and corrective application, but instead suppress the experience of inferiority within me, where the experience of inferiority takes on an emotion of anger- and in this suppression of anger not see realize or understand that who I am creating myself to be is of the same exact nature that had been expressed to me through acceptance and allowance and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lash out in anger towards others and instead, I commit myself to stop within myself the acceptance and allowance of verbal diminished, suppression and anger to no longer accept and allow myself to live out this anger towards others in my world and thus I stop the cycle of abuse within me

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress myself with others in my world in developing a defence mechanism in regards to my education through keeping the belief of my “lack of education” hidden from others in my world to protect me from such situations or events reoccurring instead of living self trust within me that I do not accept or allow myself to participate in emotions and experiences in relation to verbal diminishment when I express myself as I realize I only validate and confirm what has been said about me through participation within me, through acceptance and allowance within me and thus whenever I run into the same or similar situation I breathe through the moment and live and apply self trust within that

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that when I speak of things / subjects ‘outside’ of my personal experience that I will be attacked, judged and verbally diminished by others in my world instead of realizing that it is only a personality of mind that can be attacked or ‘hurt”- and, if I am shown that I am incorrect than I am simply incorrect and require to readjust my knowledge to actual fact and that it does not require me to take it personally as it is a simple readjustment of understanding

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being wrong and within this, fear speaking myself with others in my world whom I have not fully integrated into my sphere of comfort ability instead I push myself to speak to others whom I do not know personally about subjects and goings on of this world and of education as I am equally responsible for what is going on here and of the education system and thus, can speak about such subjects if there is something that is required to be said

I commit myself stop live and apply self confidence through living self trust within me that I do not accept or allow myself to react within the mind towards other beings in my world, and allow myself to express myself with others in my world in stopping the fear that come up within me

I commit myself to let go of this memory in allowing myself to be defined by this memory as I realize my responsibility of me in the moment and thus do not accept or allow myself to repeat the same patterns of behaviour through suppressing me in conversation and towards others

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Day 75: Shyness

Within the last few days I’ve started to look at the point of becoming self confident and how that will support me to become more effective in basically all aspects of my life. I’ve always been really shy, that it became like a personality of mine as ‘who I am’- and to even consider moving from shyness to self confidence is quite frightening for me, but as I started to educate myself about moving from shyness to self-confidence I see that its really not about shyness in itself, because the fear of moving away from shyness is a fear of giving up the shyness as protection / defence mechanism. So as I look at shyness from the perspective that it’s something I created as a protection mechanism in connection to fear I experienced in past memory moments, it no longer seems like an “impossible task”, because the fears I experience today I can look back into my past and see where it started, apply self forgiveness and self correction.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that the fear I experience in connection to moving from shyness to self confidence is actually the fear of losing shyness as a protection mechanism that apparently protect me from re-living or re-experiencing emotions, energies and experiences similar to that which I experienced from the past and that to actually let go of shyness I must investigate specific environments, people and situations that trigger shyness within me and see where the fear of such situations, events and people originated from my past through identifying the fears and seeing which memories have connected to the fear, apply self forgiveness for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto the fears and corrective me in living here

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear letting go of shyness within the belief that shyness protects me, instead of seeing realizing and understanding that who I am as life can not be threatened, attacked or hurt- it is only personality as self definitions that can be threatened, attacked or hurt- and I also see and realize how the consequences of shyness within my interaction with others in my world- actually manifest that which I fear

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to refuse to take responsibility for me and for the shyness I have allowed to become a personality as who I am- instead of taking responsibility for me in looking at my fears, seeing where they originated and applying self forgiveness and self correction to no longer accept or allow shyness to be one with and equal to who I am as a personality construct of energy

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that it is impossible to change who I am as shy instead of realizing the practical application of moving myself from shyness into self confidence and assertiveness through identifying where and what I experience shyness in connection to, what is the fear behind the shyness, where did this fear originate from the past and apply self forgiveness and live the corrections I’ve placed before me in how I will live instead

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself as unconfident, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to live, express and apply me as self confident within every moment as breath

I commit myself to investigate shyness within specific environments, situations and people and to apply self forgiveness on the specific fears and memories that come up in connection to it, let it go and correct myself in the future when facing the same or similar event

I commit myself to apply self confidence when and as I see myself start to feel shyness come up within me, through remaining here in breathe and slowing myself down

I commit myself to take responsibility for the shyness I created within me through the tools of self forgiveness and self correction

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Day 74: Thinking about an Old Friend SF

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about X, and when I think about X- suppress the emotions I experience in connection to X, instead of seeing the thought, allowing the thought to simply float by– without participating in reaction– as I realize the more I react to the thought about X and the more I suppress the emotional experience that come up in connection to the thought, believing that if I push this emotional experience down within me- that the thought will go away, and it does- for a short while, before the law of resistance rebounds the thought and experience: that which I resist to see, face and direct within myself- over and over and over and I- unawares of why and how I still am thinking about X and experiencing the emotions I had experienced all those years ago, like it was yesterday- instead of realizing that I had created and manifested this experience of overwhelming sadness and regret due to participating in each thought and each emotional reaction every time it comes up, which layered itself overtime- not realizing that I created this overwhelming experience of sadness towards X through accumulation– and suppressing the whole moment within me by not ever looking at what I am holding onto, why and how in self honesty, and from that point of investigation, correct myself and ensure that I do not participate in the same patterns of behaviour and habits, and as I correct me- live self forgiveness in letting go

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional energetic experience in connection to X, and from here allow myself to define the emotional energetic experience within the thought “I still care about X, but X does not care about me”- not realizing that the emotion is just an emotion, but I had defined myself by the emotion through attaching a meaning to it, a thought to it, and believe that the emotional experience is what I had attached and connected to it, instead of realizing that the emotional energetic experience that comes up within me is the manifested consequence of suppressing my thoughts and emotions whenever I think about X and, that which I have held onto and carried within me in memory from the past and thus, not who I am but that what I had accepted and allowed myself to be one with and equal to, which I have the directive principle to stop and thus, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the emotional experience that come up within me in connection to X as “I still care about X, but X doesn’t care about me” instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I don’t actually care about X, having thoughts about another doesn’t mean I care about them, its actually the opposite because my thoughts are always in relation to myself and my own self interest and thus I cannot trust any thought that comes up within me as I have been programmed to put my interests above others– which invalidate the thought

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe in the thought I connected to the emotional energetic experience that was triggered by X- that “I still care about X but X does not care about me”- which is a form of manipulation, as I shift my responsibility of me outside of me towards X and giving X the power over how I experience me, hiding behind such words as I see that what exist behind them, is the desire to rekindle my friendship with X and knowing that ‘its too late’ / what’s done is done- which I have accepted and allowed to keep me the same patterns and behaviours of who I am in relationship to X, instead of taking responsibility for me, who I accept and allow myself to be and become

I commit myself to stop participating in thoughts and emotions towards X as I realize that in allowing myself to bring up and hold onto the thoughts and emotions- I remain in the same patterns of behaviour and habits of personality in relationship to X and others I exist in friendships towards

I commit myself to do a mind construct on X and investigate who I am and what I am accepting and allowing myself to hold onto which I have defined myself by, to change who I am and not repeat the same patterns and behaviours

I commit myself to stop the desire to speak with X, as I realize that it will not solve the inner conflict I experience towards X and thus, Commit myself to investigating, writing, self forgiving myself and living self correction to sort out who I am and my responsibility of me

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